Journeys...

Journeys are interesting things. They often have a start, and come to an end at some point, but in between is often filled with unpredicted adventures and turns that may result in a completely different destination. But isn’t that what makes journeys so interesting?

When I set out on a journey, of any kind, I’m careful to plan as much as I possibly can. I used to intricately mark every event, every action, and every stopping point along the journey in order to carefully moderate its course. Any straying from the original direction made me uncomfortable and I would emotionally react negatively. I wouldn’t accept different destinations, changes in direction or additional stops unless they were pre-planned.

After travelling on my own to Europe twice now, my outlook regarding journeys has changed. I learned some of the fun of being spontaneous, of how alternate paths can turn out so beautiful. When I went to Paris in the spring of 2008, I had planned to venture to the Galleries Lafayette, a large and expensive department store. Upon my arrival, I realized it was not open on Sundays. Thankfully, it is located right next to the Opera House, and I opted to change my entire day’s plans to take a tour of the Opera. That same day, I resolved to abandon all plans and merely walk around the city, enjoying the weather outdoors. When I came back to Canada, six weeks later, I looked to the Opera as one of my top three favorite visits. The change in direction resulted in a beautiful and fulfilling alternative. I not only accepted the change, I embraced it.

This may not seem like a great revelation, because after all, it wasn’t extremely spontaneous (the Opera was in the same city, and merely across the street). But within the context of myself and how I treat journeys, the step was significant. I didn’t throw out all my plans for the trip, and I kept my original city itinerary intact, but the diversions I opted for during that European journey were no longer so frightening. A significant change would have certainly made me uncomfortable and resulted in the same negative emotional response. But I had made significant progress.

Looking back on this development, I have realized that I’ve only accepted such a view for very small journeys - minute ventures that have little to do with determining my larger life. I still have those same negative responses when my larger life journey is altered even slightly. This all brings me to my central point…

I have been on some type of a journey, a subset of my life’s journey, for a fairly long period of time. This journey was less planned than most of my other ventures and has been more likened to a trip down a river rather than a walking trip down a path – that is, far less predictable. There have been rapids and a narrowing of the river, but nonetheless I’ve stayed on course. I feel now that I’ve reached a lake of sorts, and the journey I thought I was on is somehow not as clear. I’m in an expansive space that has no clear current or direction, and I’m left questioning what is next. I can attempt to find my original path, working hard to venture into the next part of the river. I can continue to flounder in the lake, confused of where it will bring me next. Or I can actively seek out a new journey, a different path, opting for the less certain and perhaps the more beautiful option. If the Paris Opera is still one of my favorite places thus visited in the entire world, perhaps abandoning the original journey I had set out on has the potential to yield beautiful results.

Venturing somewhere unplanned was uncomfortable for me, one of the most scary moments of my life that went against every obsessive compulsive bone in my body. But I made it through, and I was pleased with the result. It seems that opening myself to spontaneous and unplanned journeys is a journey in itself.

Welcome to Tea Time Thinkings, a new blog that I have created to share my own reflections and whatever else may come to mind. I am unsure precisely where this going to lead and do not have a clear idea of what the journey is going to look like either. It seems that the purpose of these writings, ramblings and reflections will be determined at some point in the future… or perhaps never.

It seems best to start at the beginning - that is, particularly how this blog was born. This idea grew out of my original plan to start a book (one that would most likely remain unpublished) about myself, my past, my copings, reflections on a variety of issues and thoughts about the future (mine and otherwise). This was before the blog world had taken shape, before social networking sites and before people were sharing much personal information over the internet. So I started writing this ‘book’ in a continuous electronic document. After three years worth of work, and approximately 30 pages, my hard drive fried itself. Most of the other information on my hard drive was saved, but the one major hole was where my ‘book’ document had once been. Becoming disillusioned with the process, I stopped writing (for the most part) and have since written only periodic reflections. As I considered the future of my ‘book’, I had no choice but to consider, and ultimately turn to, a blog. So, after much deliberating, “Tea Time Thinkings” was born.

I thought it would be appropriate to also explain some of the meaning behind the title of this blog. “Tea time” has always held a place within my imagination due to its presence from the very beginning of my life. As far back as I can remember, my Oma would always commemorate ‘tea time’. It was usually at 3pm, or slightly after. Unlike English tea time, Dutch tea time was fairly simple… black tea in a glass mug (this particular mug with engraved tulips) and perhaps a speculaas cookie. It was a feature in her routine that seemed undaunted and continuous to me as a child, and has always stuck in my memory. Even to this day, I sometimes notice when the hour hits 3 and proudly proclaim to myself (or anyone unfortunate enough to be around) that its tea time. I don’t think my Oma recognizes tea time the way she used to anymore - but nonetheless it is the nostalgic memory that I hold more dearly to.

I revived ‘tea time’ as a marker in my life with one of the best friends I’ve ever had. This particular tea time had no set time, and was never part of our daily routine. ‘Crochet parties’ became equated with ‘tea time’ – although I can’t quite recall in what order. It became a time for us, my best friend and I, to discuss and reflect, to share ‘stories’ with each other. Sometimes we have even had ‘fancy tea parties’, where we have dressed up in ridiculously fancy clothes sipping our tea out of nice cups and eating cookies off of silver plates. These ‘tea parties’ which became ‘crochet parties’ have nearly stopped now. This friend has moved away recently and our parties will be confined to online discussions and periodic face to face get-togethers. Part of the void that has been created from the lack of these parties will hopefully be filled by this blog.

The word ‘thinkings’ (which is actually not a ‘word’ per se) appears in the title in order to distinguish this writing from my other writings which are primarily academic. Although this blog may contain academic-esque reflections at times, I wanted to distance what I write here from what normally consumes my brain. The use of a made-up word allows me to keep this distinction.

So I’m about to start a journey, not knowing what the journey is actually going to be, having no idea what any of the spots might bring me to or what the final destination will turn out as. Its like deciding to go on a trip, not knowing what type of transport, what will be seen or where you are going to end up… you just go. Such a journey is very unlike me normally - I'm someone who plans everything to death, down to the extreme detail. But going against my comfort zone, in direct opposition to what I would normally do, seems to be the only thing suitable… So lets go from here.